[Content warning: Mentions of suicide, gender dysphoria.]
Hello! This is my first time writing on this blog, so here’s my introduction! For a name, I don’t have one; or rather, perhaps more appropriately, I can’t think of a pen name to give myself, so I suppose for the moment I shall remain nameless. If anyone that knows me stumbles upon this, I imagine most of them will know, as I’m not exactly being particularly sneaky—but nonetheless, I still want some level of anonymity, because it’s so difficult to talk about a lot of these things too openly. Anything here is not so personal that I don’t want to talk about them publicly; rather I do want to, which is why this blog is being made at all. It’s perhaps more of a mental barrier than anything; and so even the slightest disconnect between these musings and the rest of my digital life gives me some comfort.
My entire purpose in creating this blog is born of a desire—for what feels like a distressingly long time I’ve been out of touch with my spirituality, only feeling connected to the Universe in the way I desire in precious few moments. With these past few years it’s been even harder, although not perhaps for the reasons one may guess. My entire life projectory has been veered off course, and very early this year (even before Covid-19 hit my home), the person I was closest to took their life. So...yes, it’s been difficult to stay connected, and at various moments I did not want to. I wanted to damn the world, believe if any higher divine exists they’re simply cruel, to mentally torture the purest soul I’ve ever known so much as to compel them to do such a thing...but, alas. I’ve always known life is cruel, even if I’ve been blessed enough to avoid much of the more...we’ll say gruesome bits myself; yet I know even those I love most, much like them, have certainly experienced it. Even so, I still can’t help but find some beauty in this world. So, I guess that is my purpose here...to try to find a good way live my life happily, purposefully. But, I suppose that’s why most of us are here, yes?
As you should know if you’ve read the tagline here, I am a pagan, and have been such for roughly five years now. My specific brand of paganism is...a tad complicated, for a variety of reasons. The form I’ve always found myself most drawn to is what in a broader sense I believe is referred to as Goddess Spirituality, although as time continues on I think my particular view of it might be a tad unorthodox, even for a “religion” so unstructured...
The core of my beliefs is that there is the Universe itself, the whole of everything that we come from. I believe higher forms of beings we call gods exist as a part of this as well, and our method of connecting with both is similar; they are beyond us, beyond our conception, and we must simply try to connect with them and interpret them through our limited human perspective. For a long time I considered myself a “Goddess worshiper” due to the images and form of the divine that most resonated with me—I’m generally most drawn to goddesses, and indeed the “divine feminine” in general...although, honestly, to a toxic extent at one point. And I think that’s part of why my spirituality, and my relation to it, began growing...confusing, you can say. Because I’m not a woman.
On a base biological level, I’m female, and I suppose this fact, along with my often natural alignment to femininity in various ways, made me determined to try to “be a woman”...but even so, I always felt there was some deep part of myself that was inherently masculine, that I was inherently masculine. I came out as a trans man a couple of years ago, and...in various ways, my life has improved immensely. For once in my life, my new name feels proper and right for me, being referred to as a man, with masculine pronouns, etc etc just feels right. But I’m coming to realize that...it, too, has had its issues.
I’ve always felt some mild body dysphoria; jealousy of men’s bodies, their voices, so on and so forth. But since I began identifying as a trans man, this dysphoria has increased tremendously—for, if I’m a man, I should not simply want but need a masculine body, yes? I felt like my female body emasculated me, and it did so in a ways that are hard to escape, possibly even with the help of hormones; which itself can be hard to get a hold of. This is made worse by my natural interest in things society labels as feminine, though I don’t think many are inherently so. I never let go of the latter, because frankly I wouldn’t be me anymore if I tried to scrub life of my femininity. But still, it’s been...rough, feeling like my very being is invalidated unless I change my body.
The entire world being largely shut off through lockdown, however, has made me come to terms with a lot of things. All my close friends are online anyways, but that form of interaction has become my most predominate form, as I’m sure it has for many of us. Since then, my inherent dysphoria has greatly lessened. I still feel incredibly dysphoric when my family misgenders me, perhaps even more so than before; but, in regards to my body...it barely makes me dysphoric anymore. My friends always refer to me properly—even when they see me, even when we’re on mic and they hear my voice, always they see me as who I truly am inside. And, with that...I’ve found that I believe that’s what I truly desire most. It’s been a bit hard to come to grips with, because...it surely seems bizarre, at least. Shouldn’t a man strive his hardest to be “a man” in all respects? I don’t know...but for this reason, I’m starting to refer to myself more as transmasc than as a trans man in particular. Identity wise, I’m quite at the far end of the “masc” spectrum, but am not entirely beholden to it. I can still be my name, can be referred to with masculine pronouns, be in touch with that inner masculinity...and also, it’s okay for me to wear bows, enjoy my high voice when I sing—and yes, be interested in and drawn to the divine feminine without it contradicting or defrauding who I am. (Yes, all this meandering does have a point!)
It’s still a bit difficult, though, since...well, it does kind of feel like I don’t quite have a place within this particular spiritual community, for one. It seems like many Goddess worshipers are terfs, which is obviously repulsive to me. Or, much of it is spent on self improvement, which is sort of...how do you word it? Yes, spirituality itself is about our self improvement to an extent—but, I suppose this is why I like the word religion in particular. It’s said to be based on a Latin root meaning “to bind together.” I don’t simply want to bind myself to myself...no, I want to be connected to the Universe, to life itself, and society when it shall let me.
But even in the wider pagan community, I feel a tad left out...the idea of gendered energies seems (understandably, I admit) not as well accepted anymore. I feel there is often more of an idolization of the past than even I am comfortable with, yet also simultaneously a sort of...commodification of paganism (although often, more specifically witchcraft) that I am uncomfortable with. I could go into detail on all of these points, and may indeed do so sometime, but...the gist is, it is a mess. And while yes, it is good to say your spirituality should be entirely divorced from society, as we are wont to say online, “we live in a society.” There is little way to escape unless you become a hermit in the woods—and even for someone such as myself, who’s an introvert and finds nature delightful (if frightening), I still can’t help but be connected to society. And finding no place where you seem to belong is rough.
But here I am, on this blog. Writing is incredibly important to me, and is perhaps the main way I parse out my life and myself (both through fiction writing, and semi-journaling such as this). I hope I can figure out more—I don’t know, how I should practice, and hopefully find kindred enough spirits to share my thoughts with. To share my current and long held beliefs, and find how I should go about day to day, if perhaps I should attempt to connect with certain deities in particular or if my current focus is preferable, these and many other things I hope to perhaps parse here, and share with the few strange ones that will hear me out.
I’m sorry that this is probably a rambling mess, and only makes the slightest bit of sense...but! I do hope to right more here, and once more proceed on my spiritual journey. So, farewell for now, and thank you for reading this far!